


heavydirtysoul

by rosesandcinnamon



Category: Carmilla (Web Series)
Genre: Anxiety, Could be continued, Nonbinary LaFontaine, Other, aka CANON LAFONTAINE, concentrates on 1.25 and the events of season 2 so far, reflective, the ship isnt heavy but there is a focus on their relationship
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-06-15
Updated: 2015-06-15
Packaged: 2018-04-04 10:35:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 953
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4134294
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rosesandcinnamon/pseuds/rosesandcinnamon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>She’s grown to jump to simple, normal conclusions to be able to shut the anxious thoughts off. The stillness and darkness just means no one is there. The dripping is just a faucet that someone left on.</p><p>She’ll go turn it off to help them out.</p><p>As it is with Silas, the worst of conclusions is actually correct.</p>
            </blockquote>





	heavydirtysoul

**Author's Note:**

> Lola Perry has had something horrible happen to her pretty much each episode of s2 so far, and it is absolutely unacceptable. She deserves better.
> 
> Title and lyrics taken from "heavydirtysoul" by twenty one pilots.

_Can you save, can you save my,_  
_Can you save my heavydirtysoul?_  
_For me, for me_

Lola Perry is a master at rationalizing things.

It’s all she can do to cope with herself- a thump against the front door does not mean she’s going to die, it means something fell or the wind shoved something against it. LaFontaine taking a few extra minutes to get out of bed does not mean they’re sick, it means they’re tired. A chemical smell in their room doesn’t mean something is spilled and it’s very dangerous and oh God what is she going to do, it means Laf brought something in with them and- well, she should check it anyway.

She knows if the oven is off. She knows if the hair straightener is unplugged. She knows if her bed is made.

She wouldn’t be able to live with herself if she didn’t know.

Perry sees things in the reaches of her eyesight, sometimes. Dark rooms and shadows form shapes that don’t make sense, that make her get out of bed and turn on the light- just to check.

She ignores it as best she can.

What she doesn’t ignore, she cleans, or takes care of, or has control of so _maybe for once in her life her brain would just **stop**_.

People see her as the mother, as someone who manages well and can take care of everything, and well- she supposes it’s true, but it’s not in the way they think it is. She can barely trust herself to take care of things, how is she supposed to trust someone else?

She does understand that other people can help her, and she can rely on them, but that’s what makes her go to the newspaper staff for their perspective.

She’s grown to jump to simple, normal conclusions to be able to shut the anxious thoughts off. The stillness and darkness just means no one is there. The dripping is just a faucet that someone left on.

She’ll go turn it off to help them out.

As it is with Silas, the worst of conclusions is actually correct.

\--

She is shaking when she gets back to the ridiculously luxurious rooms they’re staying in. She worries about the carpet because worrying about carpet is so much easier than worrying about _dead students who just wanted to help_.

She is shaking when she explains what happened, when LaFontaine’s steady hands are on her shoulders.

They help her change into clean clothes, and something about the pattern of the bloody shirt makes her feel really bad and guilty and-

It takes a moment to remember.

_Every word said is making her feel worse and worse, so Perry gets up to do what she can. That happens to be making Laura’s bed. The repetition and familiar movements eases a little of the hamster wheel of agitation in her head, going nowhere but still doing something._

_She still can’t block their conversation out, and listening just- just makes the fear turn sour into anger. This isn’t supposed to happen._

_It’s a trembling anger, and she lashes out at Laura and LaFontaine without thinking, gesturing shakily to try and express it all. “This isn’t supposed to happen, and it scares me, and I don’t like being scared and I just want it to **stop** ,” is everything she doesn’t say. Once she starts she can’t make herself stop, and then she absolutely ruins everything between them, and oh God it’s a bad day._

She was wearing that plaid shirt then.

Perry knows she apologized to LaFontaine as soon as she could. She’s been uptight about using their right name and pronouns, and it’s easier now.

But honestly, she still feels so bad about all of it, about making her best friend feel like a freak, about taking her emotions out on someone else, and- and the dripping sound is stuck in the back of her head.

She starts crying as she puts on her jeans.

LaFontaine comes back in from the bathroom with clean hands and they’re right there next to her, whispering her name and wiping her face.

Perry sobs, head down, and they move closer, petting her hair and keeping a warm arm around her waist.

She doesn’t cry much anymore, at least not in front of anyone, and she still hates letting other people carry her burdens, but Laf is steady and comforting and she loves them.

That’s another train of thought that makes her upset, and she curls her fingers into their shirt.

“Perr…”

She shakes her head, curls falling out of place, and chokes out an “I’m sorry”.

It must surprise them, because their tone has an edge to it that makes Perry press closer.

“What- why are you-”

Laura calls them from the main room, and she feels Laf sigh.

“We don’t have to go back down if you don’t want to.”

She hopes they know how much that “we” means to her.

Perry pulls herself together, drawing away and picking up her favorite wrap, clearing her face as she’s turned away from them.

“I’m fine. Let’s go.”

She doesn’t have to look to know they’re giving her a modification of her own motherly glare, but they still follow her downstairs, close enough for comfort while leaving room to breathe.

They get downstairs, and settle in before Laura starts recording. She tucks herself in between LaFontaine and the chaise lounge, cardigan wrapped around herself, head on their shoulder, their hand on her knee, and listens to Laura talk, trying to find some peace in her head between the hamster wheel of her thoughts and the dripping sound that just won’t stop.

There’s no peace to be found.

**Author's Note:**

> You can check me on this- Perry is wearing the same shirt in 1.25 and the beginning of 2.2.   
> I'll add a chapter for ep 3 and 4, and depending on how this season goes, I'll go beyond that.


End file.
